Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hockey Fans Defy Stereotypes

by Jack Solowey

The usually tranquil seaside city of Vancouver erupted in chaos last night, following the Canucks's 4-0 defeat by the Boston Bruins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. At the close of the third period, otherwise mild-mannered Canadians took to the streets in an atypical display of human emotion. 150 were injured as the British Columbians burned cars, smashed storefronts, and unleashed lifetimes of pent up aggression. 

"This is the first time in my life I've burned anything. Even birthday candles used to scare me, but torching that Mountie's horse felt pretty good eh!" stated Ethan Taylor an investment banker and Vancouver native. "Now that I've tasted blood, I don't think I can ever go back to my timid Canadian ways."

We caught Taylor marching with a cohort of crazed Canucks fans from the Rogers Arena to a local liquor store. There, the mob proceeded to loot bottles of Molson Ice and Canadian Club Whiskey in order to make molotov cocktails. 

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police had to be called up to halt this unprecedented destruction of property. Upon hearing that a mass of 70,000 hooligans was rampaging in the streets of Vancouver, R.C.M.P. Commissioner William Elliot is reported to have said "Stop messin' around ya no-good hoser! There aren't 70,000 people in all of Canada!" Elliot only realized that the call for assistance was not a prank when Prime Minister Stephen Harper personally begged him to step in. 

Perhaps even more shocking than Canada's latent urge to riot is Boston's sudden ability to maintain basic standards of human decency. Win or Lose, the Boston Police Department was prepared for an orgy of drunken violence that would last well into the wee hours of the morning. Barricades were set up along pub-lined streets, and hundreds of riot police in full body-armor established a tight perimeter around TD Garden. Surprisingly, these efforts were unnecessary.

Following the presentation of the Stanley Cup and the Conn Smythe trophy to Bruins captain Zdeno Chara and Bruins goalie Tim Thomas respectively, Bostonians put down their pints of lager, paused for a 20 second golf-clap, and exited single-file out of all local bars and restaurants.

One Bostonian, when asked why he was acting like a civilized member of society, stated, "I have wo[r]k in the mo[r]ning at John Hancock Insu[r]ance, I can't stay up all night drinkin' just becaws a' some stupid hawckey gayme. That'd be wicked irrespawnsable.

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