I AM THE GREATEST: Meditations on Swagga

by Jack Solowey

Swagga.

Brian Urlacher has it. He advertises a dank (good smelling) deoderant by that very name. He also has over 1,000 career tackles in the NFL – both cause and consequence of his undaunted swagga.

Muhammad Ali is a swagga O.G. Correction: triple O.G. He murdered a rock and injured a stone. He made medicine sick.

He floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Down goes Frazier! Up with Muhammad Ali.

Bill Buckner does not have swagger. LMFAO 1986 World Series.

“As sure as night is dark and day is light” Johnny Cash has swagga. Nowadays we might not immediately see the swagga in a lovesick countrysinger. But come on people, far lesser men than Mr. Cash could have crooned the copper off a coin if only they had Johnny’s voice.

Does Bob Dylan have swagger? You may now be shaking your head, Muhammad Ali and little Bobbie Zimmerman on the same list? What’s the weight differential there?

But I say, is being scrawny a crime? Joan Baez didn’t think so. Mmmmmm. Alright Bob, ok.

Lest we forget that Bob Dylan stood side by side with Muhammad Ali saying “Hell no we won’t go!” to the virtueless and vexing violence that were the Vietnam War and Cambodian clusterf***. Furthermore, Johnny Cash GAVE the man his guitar. I mean Johnny Cash literally went over to Dylan, took the guitar off his back and said, “Here Bob, take it. Just have it bro.”

I rest my case.

Frank Sinatra? The man did it his way. He flew us to the moon.

You better believe Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have swagga. Even that third guy that nobody remembers, Command Module Pilot Michael Collins has it. The man left the planet. Have you?

Werner Von Braun?

He built some pretty sweet rockets. But the sonofab*tch was a Nazi.

“Vonce ze rockets go up who cares vhere zey come down said Werner Von Braun.”

Werner does not make the cut, but Tom Lehrer sure does!

Nazis, by definition, are antithetical to all other human beings on this list.

Killin Nazis, however, now that is a different story. Sgt. Donny Donowitz makes the list. You may know him better as the “Bear Jew.” “He bashes Nazi’s brains in with a baseball bat ‘swhat he does.”

As for the real life version, have you heard of Yonatan Netanyahu?

Lemme tell you ‘bout my boy Yoni.

This Israeli paratrooper landed in Uganda dressed as Idi Amin, busted into a terrorist controlled airport guns ablazin. Thrice Uzi-ed to death a score of terrorists, and saved 100 hostages. He had more than a little help from the Sayaret Matkal. They all make the list.

Yoni also made the Dean’s list at Harvard University, but I won’t hold that against him.

This brings us to the issue of using swagga for good. Now Peter Parker’s uncle, Ben, understood the subject well. Peter Parker himself contains the dichotomy of swagga-morality. Whereas Spiderman represents the use of one’s innate swagga for good, Venom represents its use for evil.

Kanye West has been portrayed as having dealt with the Peter Parker dilemma.

He did sing the song on swagga, so he should be a shoe in.

One day, on the corner, Kanye West surveyed his surroundings and came to the realization that no one else in the general vicininty possessed the same degree of swagga. T.I., M.I.A., and Jay-Z all came to the same conclusion, and without question have got swagga.

Kanye, however, has been villified in the press for allegedly having been impolite to Taylor Swift at some awards ceremony or something. Let me go on record here and say that Taylor Swift’s melliflouous narration of the struggles of a teenaged girl dealing with the pressures of popularity and image-consciousness deserves a swagga nod.  But Kanye was right, so too does Beyoncé. It should go without saying that she makes the list. I’m sure all the single ladies agree.

Now closing the book on the Kanye is simple. The man loves his mama. If you don’t understand why this gives Kanye an unequivocal thumbs up, then you don’t deserve an explanation.

Speaking of Mamas, Margaret Thatcher has sooo much Swagga (eventhough the British Miners union wouldn’t think so).

The Lady survived an assasination attempt, and told the commies to kiss her arsenal.

So, you might now be saying, alright Jack, I see what you did here. But who are you? I mean, who gave you the right to declare who has swagga and who doesn’t?

First off, let me respond to that query by saying, these fine ladies and gentleman do not have swagga because I say they do. They just do. I am but politely directing your attention to the high concentration of swagga particles in these individuals. I mean, these men and women are 99^th percentile, 3 whole standard deviations above the mean.

Second, if I myself did not have swagga I might say something like: I’m sorry mister, I’m just a kid with poor to mediocre hand eye coordination, please don't hurt me. 

My real answer to your question though is: That was me, then I started using swagger from Old Spice. 

Who’s laughin now?

Me.