by Jack Solowey
The first full lunar eclipse in over a decade is taking place today, but you wouldn't know it. While South America, Africa, Europe, Asia, and Australia will be able to witness this breathtaking celestial phenomenon, the United States will not be attending. Left off the guest list, the US will have to make alternate plans for the evening - perhaps renting a movie with Canada.
After President Obama and First Lady Michelle were overlooked for an invitation to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, Americans have been feeling left out. This recent snub, by the heavens themselves, is just the latest blow to our national ego.
An avuncular man who identifies himself only as "Sam," as he is too embarrassed to use his real name, had this to say while choking back tears, "I didn't even want to go to that stupid lunar eclipse. That's weak small time sh*t. 'For me, it's solar or nothing.'* The moon would be a nobody without us. We made the moon a big deal by hanging out there in 1969, and now it thinks it can host a party without us. Real cool bro!"
Like most Americans today, Sam is visibly upset. American detractors, however, haughtily delighted in their new-found social superiority. Even New Zealand tried to be cool, chiding, "I bet those Yank mates feel more left out than a Kakapo at a Kiwi party!" The joke, however, was lost on Mongolia and South Korea who just shrugged their shoulders at the comment.
Insiders at the Gala report that it was indeed a star studded affair. Astral celebrities such as the Virgo constellation were visible shortly after the party kicked off. The entire catering hall was bathed in an intense red light that emerged when the earth passed directly between the moon and the sun.
As for future Lunar-American relations, sources close to the moon's promoter say that the United States can expect an invitation to the next total lunar eclipse no later than August 21, 2017. Skeptical Americans won't be holding their breath.
*The Simpsons episode 251 written by John Frink & Don Payne, Directed by Mike Scully
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